Democrazy- Nov. 2006

Democrazy with Politic-Al

Good LORD, I feel safe, don’t you? Secure and cozy, sunrises and smiles—there ain’t nothing could bring me down!

Why? Well, it’s been like…like…god, I don’t remember, a while since I or my fellow countrymen or women were attacked in our homes by an Iraqi.

Come to think of it, we never have been.

Of course, we were tremendously afraid of just that sort of thing—remember the duct tape over the doors and windows, the drone planes with sarin gas, stocking up on cipro for the anthrax threats that have yet to net an arrest—and that’s why we said yes, yes, YES, Mr. President: invade that nation that didn’t attack us because you know what? They’s thinkin’ about it…I see it in their eyes, and though I know nothing about Iraqi culture, language, or history (for that matter, neither do you), I’m pretty sure I’m right. I mean, Mr. President, you said you talk to God every day, right? And He’s pretty smart, ain’t He? I mean, not smart enough to cover the world with drinkable water, but He put the sun at a good distance, and cats are certainly adorable. I’m sure His foreign policy is crack-proof.

I feel pretty good about the whole ‘preemptive strike’ thing. There was a scary looking guy out in front of Ralph’s the other day. I’d never seen him before. He just looked like he was up to something, so I stabbed him in the neck to be safe. Can you blame me?

The president sets precedents.

So what if 16 top U.S. intelligence agencies all agreed that because of the war in Iraq keeping Americans safe Americans are now, well, less safe… what do intelligence agencies know anyway? How safe was that to tell us the truth, huh? That’s not so intelligent. Didn’t they agree that there were WMD’s across the planet waiting to knock out our favorite mall or church or something?

They didn’t?

Well, whatever. I’m too important to not have troops dying for me in some desert hellscape. They was gonna get us, I shit you not.

Spreading Democrazy

It’s the eve of my birthday—thank you, you’re right, I don’t look a day over 21—and just a week ago my faith was slightly restored. No, not religion--if I wanna be lied to I’ll listen to Tony Snow.

No, in democracy. It was those normally meaningless midterm elections. After six years there can actually be some congressional oversight. For six years, republicans have run both houses like an evangelist on spring break, and Mr. President is also, you know, a pro-life/pro-war, global-warming-is-junk-science/let’s-teach-creationism-in-school… that kind of republican. So whenever something went wrong—and dear ZEUS have things gone wrong—there was nary a party to investigate.

It’s like when our governator told us he was going to investigate allegations of his own improper gropinating. How’d that turn out? Did he find himself guilty, I forget? Too busy worrying about Iraqis insurgencing in my neighborhood. And my knife was taken away, too, leaving me shivering in the dark, alone and afraid like Fox news wants me to be.

Where was I? Oh, oversight, right. The sheriff is a’ comin’. Maybe we’ll get some of that good ol’ timey American political underhandedness, like when father Bush and the up-for-Rumsfeld’s-job Robert Gates were trading weapons to the Iranians (yes, those Iranians), using the profits to fund the slaughter of priests and rape of nuns in El Salvador in what’s been called ‘one of the most dangerous threats to constitutional government in American history.’

Oh, how I long for yesterday.

You may be too young and attention diverted (hey, isn’t it finals week for Dancing with America’s Funniest Animals?) to remember former actor/president/liar Reagan telling the American people he “didn’t recall” the illegal transactions with terrorists. Hell, why should we expect our elected officials to ‘member stuff?

I don’t buy into things like karma and destiny, but tell me it’s not damn ironic that the guy who said “I don’t recall” dozens of times about activities that led to the mass murder of thousands of Central Americans actually couldn’t recall his own name or make it to the toilet by the time his fuse snuffed out. That’s why we made up heaven and hell.

Believe me, I’ll be the first to say they’re all scum. Either party will sell your heart right out of your chest to fund a night at a Motel 6 for their gay meth-dealing prostitutes.

But the next two years will decide the next ten. We’re stuck—I mean STUUCCKKK—in Iraq for who knows how long. This whole ‘greeted as liberators’ and ‘you go to war with the army you have, not the one you want’ thing has gone on for almost as long as WWII, at a cost of 2 billion dollars a month. Now don’t you feel safe?

Republicans want to end it before ’08 so they don’t have that bloody agenda to run on, and the democrats don’t want to inherit the Bu$h/Cheney quagmire.

If only Darfur was on top of oodles of oil. Wait, I take that back. If our invasion and subsequent re-destruction of Iraq is any indicator, maybe we should ask Bush not to interfere in Sudan. It’s already horrible there, and I don’t believe this bunch of Halliburton whores could liberate the carbonation from a sealed bottle of beer.

So what happens next? More of our brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters are going to die halfway around the world. Worst of all, they’re not fighting for our country, to be sure. Most of us want them to come home now anyway.

No, they’re fighting for Iraq, even though the U.S. is the country they’ve signed up to protect. Now who’s not with us but against us? The civilized of us that rightly pointed out, “Hey, oilstained cowboy—Iraq didn’t attack us! Your Saudi and Paki pals did,” or the man who listened to informants like Chalabi and ‘Curveball’ and sent not enough of our troops to win/smash the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people, and secure a bushel-full of no-bid contracts for his Texas cronies?

Pathetic. Sound bites of Bush during the run up to the elections kept telling us that voting against his party meant the terrorists win. I’m sure there’s a few gullible saps out there, midwesterny types like the ones in Wisconsin who told my friend that John Kerry would take away our Bibles and guns.

It’s the fear, stupid. But I feel safe, 3000 dead American troops later.

Just ask the guy in front of Ralph’s. His voice box should be healed real soon.