The Unintelligence of Intelligent Design- 6/2006

I assume some of you are aware of the current attack on the separation of church and state, right? No, not George W’s claim that he talks to his God everyday- no doubt the Old Testament warmongering
God who can’t find WMD’s either.No, the attack is on how we teach our nation’s children the basics of biology and the very definition of
science- creation vs. evolution, religion vs. science, belief vs. fact. Regardless of how I feel about religion (and I could fill the rest of these pages and most of the next issue
with how I feel about religion- just ask the poor sap sitting next to me at the bar), the duty of the
public school system is to educate you bunch of idiots with whom I have to share my earth so that you
are, well, less idiotic. And being taught creationism wont help de-stupid our planet. Ironically (or exasperatedly), creationists have evolved their approach. By removing any mention of a
god, a higher power, a creator, or caped spandex-clad superhero, they’ve introduced a smart
sounding theory, ‘Intelligent Design’, to insert into the debate and, designer willing, into the public
classroom. Teaching children supernaturalism… didn’t they burn people for less?
Schools that are run by the state are not to delve into matters of religion and the supernatural.
That’s why we don’t tax religion- it’s that separation of church and state, founded sometime
between 1692- when twenty men and women were hung or crushed to death in Salem for being witchy-
and 1925, when the Supreme Court decided John Scopes should be fined for teaching science in a
science classroom. The very nerve! The main argument of ID theory isn’t one that has shattered the scientific community with profound
introductions of new data and research to prove a theory. Instead the approach is to attack the data
and theories that support evolution and natural selection with emphasis on usually the same
talking points that, given the proper amount of big words and distracting hand motions, seem
plausible. Not too many big words, though. Something at a high 6th or average 7th grade level. This
is the American Idol public we’re talking about here. The outcome is a non-theoretical bit of circular reasoning: things are so complex they must
have a complex designer- an intelligent designer- because nature is too stupid for this planet
and its amazing diversity and abundance of life.

“Teach the controversy” is the mantra of this thinly veiled creationist movement, and they’ve
been training children (yes, brainwashing can be called ‘training’) to stop their teachers when
they so much as mention evolution, the lengths of time since the dinosaurs existed, or a planet
that’s older than 6000 years. They have also trained people to interrupt museum tours. “Were
you there?” they loudly proclaim, because if we didn’t see it, apparently it must not have occurred. Amazingly all of these jerk-asses were actually there when a family shared their boat with two of
every species on earth and an ancient Hebrew received instructions from a talking flaming bush. One obvious wrench in the cogs of this pseudo-theory is its own reasoning: if complexity truly means
design, then whatever designed all of this complexity must be ultra complex. So complex that it, too,
would require a designer. Did that make any sense? Of course it did, I wouldn’t waste our time.
I’m not an ID theorist. Proponents of ID theory have bombarded school districts across the country with their own brand
of science. And by ‘science’ I politely mean ‘bullshit’. The intelligent people of Dover, Pennsylvania saw through the bullshit last November. Eight school
board members (all Republican) who backed a statement on ID theory being read to biology classes
lost re-election and were thrown out on their vestigial tails. So the ID theorists lost Penn state. They did, however, win Kansas. Surprising, considering all the
huge brains that that state keeps tossing into the gene pool. Now the definition of science in Kansas,
unlike, say, the rest of the world since Aristotle, is no longer that which can be seen, felt, heard,
tested, re-tested, and proven. Now it includes that which is believed to be true. Hear that psychics, palm readers, UFO experts, and leprechaun enthusiasts? They be a ton of job
openings in Kansas come next school year! Hurry up now, git there before the young ‘uns git drafted! Yes, finally- science for people who don’t like facts! I know what you’re thinking: “Al G, you are so wise and good looking with deep rooted charm-
what’s wrong with teaching ID theory to children? We teach them all kinds of crazy stuff, like
Columbus was a hero and Latin Americans loved the dictators we’ve picked for them”. Well, thanks for the compliments I gave myself, but there’s a problem. Our nation is lagging behind
the rest of the world in many areas including science. If we plan on developing a new crop of
nerds that can cure diseases or develop new sources of energy so we can stop killing the planet
it sets a terrible example if we can’t even teach them the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ science. Imagine a doctor steeped in this “I don’t need the scientific method to tell ME what to believe”
ideology. He tells you that this procedure on your spastic colon hasn’t been tried, hasn’t been
tested, hasn’t even been submitted for peer review, but should work because he believes it will work.
After all, who needs empirical evidence when there’s a whole universe out there filled with
irrational unproven non-facts? More important, when I think of that small percentage of voting Americans and soon-to-be-adults
heading to the polls I prefer they at least have an inkling of what the issues are and how to gather
knowledge of the natural world. Ignoring this and you may fall for such disastrous one-liners as
‘clean air initiative’, ‘healthy forest program’, and the greatest one of all ‘compassionate conservatism’. As the dead Carl Sagan once said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof”. I have no problem
with belief systems- I’ve been studying the anthropology of religion for several years now. I don’t
care if, like the ancient Maya, you believe the sky is male, the planet female, and their cosmic
canoodling brought forth life. Or if you believe we’re all descended from two adult white folks who
magically plopped into history 6000 years ago, naked and gullible, falling for the first talking evil
snake in an evil tree that happened to be in of all places on earth their garden. Whatever floats your ark, man.
Let’s just keep beliefs outside of the realm of the real world. Learn to spot quackery and be skeptical.
The dead aren’t in limbo waiting for Sylvia Browne and Jonathan Edwards to ‘pass it on’, and your
spastic colon won’t be healed by prayer. There’s something really wrong with blind acceptance. Gullibility and ignorance aren’t valued traits. Keep the myths out of our public schools- they got enough to deal with- and we’ll keep the
facts out of your churches. Thanks, and Designer bless.